A satirical look at ND football

Share

Author: Ed Cohen

The satirical online magazine the Onion reported this past fall on Notre Dame’s plans to improve its storied football program—retroactively. (Note: this is all a joke.)

“Although we have great hopes for the future of our football program,” genuine Athletic Director Kevin White was fictitiously quoted as saying, “Notre Dame has great hopes for a facet of that program that is far more important to our university: our past.”

Among tongue-in-cheek revisions to Irish football history reported by the Onion:

—The addition of impressive new alumni such as Bo Jackson, Archie Griffin, Jim Brown and Red Grange.

—10 more national championships in unspecified years. (Said Coach Charlie Weis: “I inherited a program that had only won 11 national championships between 1924 and 2005. I promise you that, by this time next year, the Fighting Irish will have won at least 10 more in that same time period.”)

—In 1936, the Fighting Irish made a previously unknown visit to Nazi Germany to represent America at the Berlin Olympics. “ND split end Jesse Owens gains 187 and scores three touchdowns in a 42-17 gold-medal winning rout of the heavily favored Rommel-coached SS squad.”

—In 1961, Notre Dame came back from a 31-point fourth-quarter deficit to defeat highly ranked Ohio State. At quarterback for the Irish that day? Joe Theismann, age 12.

The magazine welcomes comments, but we do ask that they be on topic and civil. Read our full comment policy.