Dear reader: We’re having twins!
Yes, I’m fully aware that this announcement would be a lot more exciting if my wife and I were a celebrity power couple like Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, or even one of those couples from The Bachelor. But I’m just Zach Przystup. I work in a cubicle for the federal government, and my wife works remotely from the basement “office” doing something related to software and health insurance that I do not understand.
See what I mean? Not as interesting.
All the same, I’d be honored if you gave me a moment to tell you about the biggest surprise of my life, and what it’s like to learn that you are unexpectedly doubling the number of your kids in the twilight of your reproductive years. By way of background, we are in our late 30s and have two lovely boys. In other words, we’re spent.
Let me start with the words I’ll be eating for the rest of my life. When we considered the remote possibility of twins, I declared with a dismissive confidence, “God wouldn’t do that to me. He knows me well and knows I couldn’t handle it.” The next time we visited the topic was in the doctor’s office, when I heard the word “Surprise.” So I was off a smidge. God is hilarious.
News of twins has sparked a mentality shift. My 4- and 7-year-old boys? We’ve decided they’re self-sufficient now. The twins? The village will raise them. In many ways, we’re closer to kicking back now than we were with just two kids. I’m not delusional.
I know we’ve been dealt a cosmic curveball, and major changes are in order.
First change: Neither one of us is very good at asking for help. That’s going to change — already has. Case in point: If you could drop off a casserole and some Pampers in about two months, it would be greatly appreciated.
When we were thinking about having a third child, we were very responsible: We sat down and made a budget. Good numbers. Thoughtful projections. Spend some, save some, share some. Now? Terrible budget. Worst I’ve ever seen. We’d make FTX look good.
We’ve got a house. On the smaller side, but cozy. Good for a family with two small kids, a bit of a stretch but doable with three. With four, it’s going to be tighter than Spanx on a hippo. We’ve gotta get out. But we can’t. Why? See budget.
Oh, we’re gonna need another car, too. I have my foolish hopes and preferences, but let me be honest with myself: We’re getting a minivan.
Here’s a nonexhaustive list of things I’d rather spend $30,000 on than a minivan: anything.
Now, here’s the thing about twins: There’s two of them. With some things, having a second is trivial. Another scoop of ice cream? Knock yourself out. But learning you’re having twins is like wanting a puppy, then Clifford shows up at your front door. Two Cliffords. My wife currently has three heartbeats in her body. I need to sit down for a minute.
And yet, amidst my worries, anxieties and general sense of being overwhelmed, at times I can’t help but be tickled as I think about these growing, eggplant-sized rascals, who have obliviously thrown our big, self-centered adult lives into handwringing turmoil. What marvelous little creatures.
So, how to move forward amidst all the change and uncertainty? I look to my 7-year-old son for inspiration.
When we told him the news, his eyebrows went up, his eyes lit up, his jaw dropped, and he said his heart was beating so fast because he was so excited. On his face was the most innocent, genuine, beautiful expression of joy, hope, shock, wonder, awe and anticipation I have ever seen. It was one of the best moments of my life.
My 4-year-old rather quickly went back to playing his Wild Kratts Amazin’ Amazon Adventure video game, but I’m pretty sure he’s excited, too.
If we can follow my older son’s cue, we’ll be all right. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying for good health for my wife and the twins.
I can’t wait to meet them.
Zach Przystup works for the Fulbright Program at the U.S. Department of State. His writing has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, Foreign Affairs, Foreign Policy and The Baltimore Sun.