The satirical online magazine the Onion reported this past fall on Notre Dame’s plans to improve its storied football program—retroactively. (Note: this is all a joke.)
“Although we have great hopes for the future of our football program,” genuine Athletic Director Kevin White was fictitiously quoted as saying, “Notre Dame has great hopes for a facet of that program that is far more important to our university: our past.”
Among tongue-in-cheek revisions to Irish football history reported by the Onion:
—The addition of impressive new alumni such as Bo Jackson, Archie Griffin, Jim Brown and Red Grange.
—10 more national championships in unspecified years. (Said Coach Charlie Weis: “I inherited a program that had only won 11 national championships between 1924 and 2005. I promise you that, by this time next year, the Fighting Irish will have won at least 10 more in that same time period.”)
—In 1936, the Fighting Irish made a previously unknown visit to Nazi Germany to represent America at the Berlin Olympics. “ND split end Jesse Owens gains 187 and scores three touchdowns in a 42-17 gold-medal winning rout of the heavily favored Rommel-coached SS squad.”
—In 1961, Notre Dame came back from a 31-point fourth-quarter deficit to defeat highly ranked Ohio State. At quarterback for the Irish that day? Joe Theismann, age 12.