18 Traits of Manhood

Author: Tara Hunt ’12

A real man never drinks a Slimfast. Or eats kale. Or quinoa. Or guava fruit. He also does not nibble.

A real man does not own more than a dozen pairs of shoes.

A real man does not take selfies.

A real man stays calm in a crisis and attends to everyone else before himself.

Illustration by Eric Fritz, Vintage Vectors

A real man never uses the urinal next to an occupied urinal unless it’s a dire emergency. Or so I’ve heard. Maybe they do. This is uncomfortable. Why am I writing this piece?

A real man never assumes his date will pay. Never.

A real man never gets a manicure.

A real man does not own Sketchers. Or cuff his pants. A real man has a visceral reaction at the thought of Sketchers with cuffed pants.

A real man owns fewer beauty products than his significant other, if he has one, which is not a requirement of this list.

A real man never wears a scarf as an accessory, only as a necessity when the weather is below 0 and the wind has the potential to rip off his lips.

A real man can heft 150 pounds of dead weight, or the weight of his sleeping spouse, whichever is more.

A real man offers to help clear the table, even when the other men have retreated to the garage for a Miller High Life.

A real man will say I love you on the phone, even if he is in a room full of beer-chugging, football-watching bros.

A real man recognizes his limits and prays once he reaches them.

A real man is generous but never showy. He also keeps his ego in check.

A real man should be able to throw a punch with his nondominant hand.

A real man has at least one dance move and never turns down a request for a dance.

A real man is a bear-trap for secrets. Unless his spouse asks — then he lets them all spill.

Tara Hunt is an associate editor of this magazine.