Do not ask, “Who’s that on top of the dome?”
Do no not throw a fish, frog, octopus or even a single marshmallow during halftime.
Do not complain that Notre Dame has gone to pot since your student days.
Do not physically or verbally abuse the visiting team’s followers, no matter how boorishly they behave.
Do not attempt to sacrifice a campus squirrel to the football gods. They only accept wolverines.
Do not attempt to tackle the police horse ridden by the officer who just confiscated your beer bong.
Do not arrive late to the game, point into the middle of a mash of bodies and expect everyone in your row to happily move over and make room for you.
Do not stay at home to watch the game on TV because you think you see the game better there. It’s not just about the game.
Do not ask anyone around you to please not cheer so loud.
Do not ask students or real fans to sit down in front.
Do not run out the clock in the closing seconds when you’re at home and tied with the No. 1 team in the country because you think you like your chances in overtime. Look, the only offense you’ve had all day is from the return game, and there are no returns in overtime and — oh, forget it.
Do not take your wife and kids through yet another play-by-play recreation of the Boston College game of 1993.
Do not initiate or join in or cheer the success of the stupid Wave — no matter how lopsided the score.
Do not pray for victory. God finds it distracting.
Do not even think about the cost of the Notre Dame merchandise you’ve just piled into your arms.
Do not paint “Five Minute Parking” over the name on the parking space of a coach you don’t admire.
Do not drink too much. Really. We mean it.
Do not sell your ticket. To anyone. Anywhere. Ever. No matter how much the Nebraska fans offer. Do consider donating extras to a charitable organization.
Do not say, “This one’s in the bag,” when the Irish are up by 20 points with a quarter to go. Especially against Air Force.
Do not leave before the last second has ticked off the clock, the last helmet has been raised and the last Irish player has disappeared up the tunnel.