Unbalanced: Bad Santas

Author: Carol Schaal '91M.A.

Carol Schaal

Overdosing on too many gooey Hallmark Christmas movies? If you believe this seasonal sugar rush needs a dash of Bad Santas to bring you down, our culture’s Grinches are happy to provide.

iBad Santa:

Amazon did a remarkably stupid thing with their new Kindle Fire. They sent the orders in a box clearly marked on the outside: Kindle Fire. One mother bought the tablet for her daughter, who scooped up the brown package from the front porch and knew immediately what her Christmas “surprise” was going to be.

The Anti-Santa:

Best Buy is running commercials that make fun of Santa and his gift choices. The oh-so-scornful shopper sneers as she points out she’s already filled the stockings with what people really wanted and not that stupid gift Santa is delivering.

Junkyard dog Santa:

Scams and thievery abound in this cheerful season of giving. Tipping the scales of meanness, however, might be the pet breeder outed by the Today show. A buyer pays big bucks for her dog of choice and receives a very sick puppy. The breeder then criticizes the new owner for not taking proper care of the poor pooch, when, sadly, it dies.

Deadly Santa:

In our area, one commercial featuring a Santa impersonator we like to call “the shouting guy” proudly offers a selection of guns, rifles and other lethal weapons. And they’re not just gifts for the guys, either, the huckster notes. Even the lady of the house might like that bow and arrow.

Too-fat Santa:

Paula Deen’s food always looks yummy, if you get past the cholesterol factor. Except you can‘t. A stick of butter stars in almost every recipe. One of her holiday gift ideas captures the pure essence of Ms. Deen: Compound Butter. Y’see, you take two sticks of butter and blend in herbs and spices and put it in a sealed container and gift it to someone. Happy heart attack to you.

Snoopy Santa:

And, as usual, Gmail and Google and Facebook and all those other friendly Internet sites are giving you cookies for Christmas.

Now let’s all check out the holiday airline fares and enjoy our holiday staycation. Cause Santa, it appears you’re grounded.

Carol Schaal is managing editor of Notre Dame Magazine. Email her at schaal.2@nd.edu.